I’m just going to go ahead and reprint this message sent earlier today by the Office of the President:

My Fellow Americans,

I would just like to take a minute and comment on Sy Hersh’s most recent article in the New Yorker.  Yes, I am proud to say, we are now in the early stages (fingers crossed) of a shooting war with Iran.  Oh man, it feels so good to say that.

I have to admit, I’ve been really feeling this lame duck thing. I haven’t had senioritis this bad since my last week “in” the Air National Guard.  If you’ve ever spent seven days doing eightballs off a 9mm and hiding from the military police in an abandoned Dairy Queen, you know what I’m talking about. But anyway, I just have not been into this whole President thing for a while.

Iraq used to do it for me, it really did, but lately my heart just isn’t in it.  Don’t get me wrong, I love killing colored people, but what’s the use when nobody’s cheering you on anymore.  It’s like in my fraternity days, when I’d be banging some passed-out cheerleader, and I’d look around, and nobody was watching, nobody was yelling, “Yeah, man, give it to her!”  Talk about lonely.

And come on.  Rebuilding?  More like re-boring.  And I.E.D.s? I.E. please.

So yes, I’m brewing up this new war, just in time for the election.  And don’t worry about that Democratic majority in congress.  Name one time they’ve ever stopped me from doing anything.

And if you’re worried about our brave American men and women (but mostly dudes, come on) dying in another “questionable” war with people who “didn’t do anything to us first,” let me just say we are going to kill so many more brown people than they could ever kill of us.  It’s not even going to be close.  Have you seen our new missiles, man?

Two words: Awe. Some.

See you at the pumps.