Tucker Carlson Should Have Been Neutered

You have to feel bad for Tucker. He’s a little boy in a room full of big, scary adults. He feels like he has to say something grownup to earn their approval, but he ends up sounding like a head-trauma patient:

President Obama — it has been confirmed by the White House — called the owner of the Philadelphia Eagles and during the course of their conversation, thanked him for giving Michael Vick a second chance.

Now, I’m a Christian. I’ve made mistakes myself. I believe fervently in second chances, but Michael Vick killed dogs, and he did it in a heartless and cruel way, and I think, personally, he should have been executed for that.

Tuck’s intended target was Obama for displaying a positive attitude toward another black person, which Tuck’s parents told him is “reverse racism.” But see how quickly he got away from himself, and ended up calling for the summary execution of Michael Vick? See how it distracts the audience from his main point? That’s a sign that he needs to go back and tighten up his thesis statement.

It’s not that I condone dog murder, but all I see here is a rich white guy fantasizing about executing black people, and finding an inordinate amount of self-righteous pleasure in it. Forgive me if I’m a little incredulous about the degree to which Tucker Carlson speaks for the animals. 


5 iPad Apps for Angry Liberals

I find myself relying more and more on the iPad to keep abreast of my many, many political enemies, so if you share my twin passions for slick gadgets and teh_politix, I have a few recommendations. And while these apps aren’t solely for angry liberals, they will help you scratch that particular itch.

#1) MyCongress — Like all the best apps, MyCongress focuses on doing a few things extremely well. First and foremost, it allows you to enter your Zip code (or use the iPad’s auto-locate feature), and then finds all the members of congress with dominion over you. You can search for any additional members of congress, as well, and add them to a list of bookmarks. Each congressperson then gets a page featuring their latest headlines, along with a list of their recent YouTube videos and tweets.

This app is a laser-sharp way to keep an eye on the people who, like it or not, affect your life every day. (App Store Link)

#2) NPR — If you’ve ever been sitting in your car, listening to National Public Radio, and wishing that you could just hear whatever shows you wanted, whenever you wanted, your wish has come true. Quite simply, this is the best way to listen to NPR. You can search through a list of current programming, compile a playlist to listen to, and read text versions of NPR stories, all at once. And did I mention you can listen to any NPR affiliate’s webcast, live? Well, you can. (App Store Link)

#3) Politico Playbook — This is the simplest app of the bunch, an unadorned presentation of Mike Allen’s daily briefing from the Politico website. It’s a great way to wake up and get a quick, professional run-down of all the stories you’ll be hearing about during the rest of the day, along with some nice personal touches and gossip. What makes this app so good is what it leaves out: all the noise, clutter, and ephemera that compete for your attention on the web. (App Store Link)

#4) Daryl Cagle’s Political Cartoonist Index — This is just a terrific interface for Daryl Cagle’s daily index of political cartoons from around the country. The layout really improves on the website’s design, which tends to be over-saturated with links, ads, and detritus. If you’re into Mike Luckovitch, Jack Ohman, and R.J. Matson, this is the place to keep up with their work.

Cagle also indexes conservative cartoonists, which is great if you need to keep your dander up over the course of a long day. (App Store Link)

#5) The Democrats — They’re kind of liberal, right? A gorgeously designed app that keeps you up to date on major news and announcements from the party, helps you find local Democratic groups and events, and aggregates official photos and videos you can use if you happen to run some sort of asshole blog. (App Store Link)

Many of these apps are universal, in case you’re one of those iPhone-toting, liberal, East Coast elitists. Man, who do those guys think they are, am I right?


Pat Robertson on Marijuana


Pat “Haiti Had It Coming”  Robertson caused quite a ruckus the other day when he seemed to question the severity of American drug laws, particularly the wisdom of mandatory minimums for small amounts of pot. He’s an insane, bigoted old fool, and I know how to carry a grudge, so while there was some talk of Robertson softening in his dotage, I wasn’t moved.

Still the quote was hard to ignore:

We’ve got to take a look at what we’re considering crimes and that’s one of them. I’m not exactly for the use of drugs, don’t get me wrong. But I just believe that criminalizing marijuana, criminalizing the possession of a few ounces of pot and that kind of thing, it’s costing us a fortune and it’s ruining young people.

Now, this may sound like a brief moment of lucidity between bouts of goat-syphilis and racism, but as with most soundbites, context is everything. If you watch the longer version of the clip (or the whole segment) you’ll see that there’s definitely something in it for old Pat and company. Here’s what Terry Meeuwsen was talking about before Pat chimed in:

They’re now opening, in some places, faith-based dorms where the women are really being discipled. And you know, in the end, they’re going back out into society, most of them. It’s a wonderful opportunity for the church to lead the way, for them to have restored lives, and that is working. It’s a proven commodity.

Pat then goes on to note that CBN had one of the largest prison ministries in the country. And just in case you think I’m being a Cynical Sally about all this, CBN released a statement clarifying Pat Robertson’s pro-Marley stance:

[Dr. Robertson] was also pointing out that these mandatory sentences needlessly cost our government millions of dollars when there are better approaches available. Dr. Robertson’s comments followed a CBN news story about a group of conservatives who have proven that faith-based rehabilitation for criminals has resulted in lower repeat offenders and saved the government millions of dollars. Dr. Robertson unequivocally stated that he is against the use of illegal drugs.

This isn’t about changing any laws, it’s about “faith-based” organizations like Pat’s replacing state-run programs. 

Listen, Pat Robertson made his fortune running one of the oldest, wickedest cons there is: give me your money, and I’ll give it to Jesus. If you ever, even for a minute, think he isn’t looking out for himself, or that every word out of his mouth isn’t part of the larger scam, then Pat Robertson has a prayer shawl you might be interested in.


#70. Cold Turkey


The Radical Homosexual Agenda

Barney Frank:

So let me own up to that agenda.

It’s to be protected against violent crimes driven by bigotry. It’s to be able to get married. It’s to be able to get a job. And it’s to be able to fight for our country.

For those who are worried about the radical homosexual agenda, let me put them on notice: two down, two to go.


Eating the GOP's Lunch

I love everything about this Politico article:

Earlier this week, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham, among the most independent Senate Republicans, expressed disgust that the GOP leadership allowed Obama and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) to enjoy the most successful lame-duck session in decades.

“Harry Reid has eaten our lunch,” Graham told Fox News radio. “This has been a capitulation in two weeks of dramatic proportions of policies that wouldn’t have passed in the new Congress.”

Cartoon by Randall Enos


Getting Things Done

Anyone who feels like they haven’t been getting their money’s worth over the past two years needs to read this Bloomberg article by Lisa Lerer and Laura Litvan. FTA:

However history judges the 535 men and women in the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate the past two years, one thing is certain: The 111th Congress made more law affecting more Americans since the “Great Society” legislation of the 1960s.


#69. Mythbuster


The Repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

The President:

There will never be a full accounting of the heroism demonstrated by gay Americans in service to this country; their service has been obscured in history. It’s been lost to prejudices that have waned in our own lifetimes. But at every turn, every crossroads in our past, we know gay Americans fought just as hard, gave just as much to protect this nation and the ideals for which it stands.

There can be little doubt there were gay soldiers who fought for American independence, who consecrated the ground at Gettysburg, who manned the trenches along the Western Front, who stormed the beaches of Iwo Jima. Their names are etched into the walls of our memorials. Their headstones dot the grounds at Arlington.


I Remember


Tim Profitt's Apology

John Gruber pointed to this follow-up on the infamous head-stomper:

Tim Profitt — the former Rand Paul volunteer who stomped on the head of a MoveOn activist — told told local CBS station WKYT that he wants an apology from the woman he stomped and that she started the whole thing.

“I don’t think it’s that big of a deal,” Profitt said. “I would like for her to apologize to me to be honest with you.”

Sure, it’s infuriating, but if you’re surprised by this you haven’t been paying attention. While the papers and new channels are lamenting the “tone” of the most recent batch of campaign commercials, the Tea Party is out there assaulting their opponents. 

P.S. Look for Tim Profitt’s new show, “The Bitch Had It Coming,” debuting tonight on FOX News.


Wikileaks Cartoon Coverage

Cartoon by Mike Keefe, United States. 

Cartoon by Stephane Peray, Thailand.

Cartoon by Arend van Dam, Netherlands.

Cartoon by Ollie Johansson, Sweden.

Cartoon by Taylor Jones, United States.


I Thought They Smelled Bad on the Outside

To quote @VanGorkomm, “This exists. A painting of Miley Cyrus giving a peace sign while standing inside the carcass of a live grizzly bear.” My favorite public figure/dead animal portrait since this.

Visit the Rotofugi Gallery for more info.


Bill O'Reilly Fired for NPR Appearance

Okay, not really, just hilarious satire from Mike Keefe:

O’Reilly told host Michele Norris, “When I get on a plane and see people in KKK garb and I think they’re identifying themselves as racists, I get worried, I get nervous.”

For good measure, he added, “I mean, who wants to get lynched?!”


Tim Profitt

Onward, Christian soldiers:

The victim, Lauren Valle of, approached Republican nominee for Senate Rand Paul in an attempt to pose for a photo with him holding up a faux award when she was thrown down to the ground by one Paul supporter and then stomped by another.


President to Appear on Mythbusters

Like you, my first assumption was that Obama would be busting the myth about how gay people can’t serve in the military on account of their debilitating cooties. Or, you know, the one about how he was born in Kenya. Or the one about him being a Muslim. Or a socialist. Or a fascist. Well, according to the New York Times, it’s something completely different:

In an episode of “Mythbusters” on the Discovery Channel to be shown on Dec. 8, President Obama will help determine whether the Greek scientist Archimedes really set fire to an invading Roman fleet using only mirrors and the reflected rays of the sun.

It’s unclear in what capacity the president will be “helping,” but my guess is that he’ll be on hand to smack Tory Belleci whenever he opens his damn mouth.

“But Mr. President, I have to say something vapid and inarticulate about the experiment.”



"Bum Economics"


Questioning Rand Paul's Faith

Jack Conway, the Democrat “gettin’ lucky” with Rand Paul in Kentucky, has been running this attack ad dredging up a lot of the rich, young, white dude behavior that Randy probably hoped no one would ever find out about. You know, like tying up young ladies for sport, and worshipping some sort of Bong God. At the debate tonight, Paul was so miffed by these accusations that he refused to shake Conway’s hand and called him an “embarrassment to the race.”

I’m guessing “the race” here refers to the election.

Conway’s ad is unfair in the sense that, while everything it accuses Paul of is probably true, its claims are intended to cause a sensation, not educate voters. And Paul is, in all likelihood, sincerely appalled that anyone would question his “faith.”

The Italians have a saying: boo fucking hoo. These are Paul’s Jesus-chickens coming home to roost, and as sleazy as the ad might be, I’d like to see more of this tactic from the Democrats. The GOP and its nougaty core, the Tea Party, don’t believe in any god you’d recognize. Look at someone like Rand Paul and tell me whether it’s more likely that he worships the Jesus of the New Testament, or the Great Old Ones that H.P. Lovecraft warned us were scratching at the back door of our universe. If you ask me, Rand Paul would be a lot more comfortable with Squid-Face running the show.

I mean, I just don’t see Jesus voting to repeal a healthcare bill. The guy was sort of a walking healthcare bill, if you think about it.

If this country is going to have a religious test for the highest levels public service (i.e. no atheists or non-Christians need apply), and if every candidate is therefore running on their Christianity, they’d all better make sure no one catches them breaking the First fucking Commandment. It’s not even one of the fun ones.

And, yes, it’s hilarious that the Tea Party is so particularly vulnerable in this respect because of its higher-than-average ratio of closet pagans. Apparently, that’s still a thing you can be in the twenty-first century.


"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Banned

Well, this is interesting. The federal judge who ruled that DADT was unconstitutional last month has just issued a permanent injunction blocking the military from enforcing the rule. The Justice Department has 60 days to appeal. Obama’s Justice Department. Our Justice Department.

60 days is an interesting timeframe. It puts the deadline for the decision well beyond the upcoming midterm elections. If the president wants to simply wait out the clock and let the ban stick, the decision won’t be final until the electoral dust has settled.

Sure, if Obama takes issue with the judiciary making such an important decision for him, or if he would rather see Congress hash it out, he can appeal, get the case sent to the Supreme Court (which is still five assholes and four asshole observers), watch the ruling be overturned, and then the decision will fall to a more conservative 2011 Congress. Not a pleasant scenario.

I like the idea of waiting out the deadline. It’s like a pocket veto. It’s easy to do, and it will drive the GOP ever more insane with each passing hour. In my experience, situations in which the laziest option is also the most ethical are rare, and should be taken advantage of. Sure, the president could also just come out and say he won’t appeal the ruling, but where’s the fun in that?

But I’m afraid the most likely scenario is that the Republicans’ unanimous whining will scare congressional Democrats into calling for Obama to appeal the ruling. With both parties calling him a coward, the president will be hard pressed to do anything but send it to the Supreme Court, where the status quo goes to have its bikini area waxed.

Here’s hoping he’s still as tough and principled as the person I voted for. And maybe a little more lethargic.

(cartoon by David Horsey)

Update: God Damn It.


#68. The Fourth Reich